i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
