forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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