how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize