dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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