My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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