Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
