no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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