I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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