she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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