I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
