broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
