this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
