FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
