Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
