I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
