just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
