This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
