I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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