I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
