I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
