You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
