"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
