Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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