Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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