Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
