she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You ate ashes out of my bong
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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