i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
