I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
