i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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