the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
