textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
