Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
