DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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