I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
