I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
