HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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