I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
