Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
