That's intense
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
