She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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