we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
