Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
