Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
