ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
