so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
