so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
