PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
