I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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