Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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