life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize