Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
