Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
