It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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