whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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