Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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