There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize