the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Four minutes until I can fart!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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