In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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